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 SOFTLY DOES IT...
What does software mean to you?
Does it conjure up visions of
brushed cotton pajamas or are you
totally at home with the complexities of the subject?
Tell us all about it!
YEAH, RIGHT! WHAT?
A gentleman, not a million miles away from where we sit, slaving over hot
laptops, was heard to mutter, only hours ago, that it seems strange that they call it software when it's so hard to get to grips with
it...
Is that, we wonder, a common reaction to the wonders of modern science that some seem to take completely in their
stride?
As semi-computer-illiterates ourselves, some of the editors of this magazine find ourselves
sympathizing with that neighbour.
It's probably very easy for computer whizz-kids to grasp the vagaries of software they have never used
before.
The thing is, there are millions of us and not very many of them.
Hence some of the wonderful volumes written to help mere mortals comprehend the mysteries of
cyberspace.
We are very interested to know all about the readers who do understand it all and those who
don't.
We'd love to hear about the software you dote on and the other sort which somehow never quite caught on with
you.
We'll also be glad to try out and review, any software we are sent. If we can
make sense of it, anyone ought to be able to!
All this reminds one of our editors of an Open University class on the TV in
England, many, many years ago.
She had switched on the set very early in the morning, out of idle curiosity and found the programme drawing to a
close.
An earnest-looking professor of advanced mathematics, speaking a language only just recognisable as
Anglo-Saxon,
was rounding off his lecture with the immortal phrase:
"If you are not confused by this, you obviously don't understand it"!
Er, yes, indeed. What?! Your editors are unashamed Microsoft fans -
their software works for us and we're grateful for the ease with which
common mortals can get to grips with it. Our Steel Boat page editor,
Chris Price, found us proof that some people take their admiration for
the software giant to extremes. In terms that will be familiar to old
DOS-sers, it goes like this:
THE CREATION
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
C:\> Let there be light
Enter user ID
C:\>God
Enter password
C:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
C:\>Technocrat.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\>Let there be light.
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create light
Done
C:\>Run heaven_and_earth
Done
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create firmament
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\>Create dry_land
Done.
C:\>Run dry_land
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
C:\>Create fish
Done
C:\>Create fowl
Done
C:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\>Create cattle
Done
C:\>Create creepy_things
Done
C:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create man
Done
C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
C:\>Insert breath
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\>Copy woman from man
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>Create desire
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create freewill
Done
C:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create good, evil
Done
C:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
C:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\>Break
C:\>Break
C:\>Break
C:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
C:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\>Destroy earth confirmed
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8: God created Microsoft
Thank you Chris! NEXT!...
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